I did this art thing this one time

I have this friend. And he's one of the reasons I'm seeing a therapist - haha, no, it's because he IS a therapist and recommended one to help me deal, but you can blame him, sure. He's also directing a play, and I volunteered to help him with artwork last year when I saw him in Pirates of Penzance. (spelled correctly, of course)

So here I am, a year later, and have needed much encouragement with art because that's the one thing I gave up on completely when the depression kicked in. Thank you Lee, for having me help you, for accepting my bad days, and understanding when I shut down.

Simply: Fear sucks.
More Simply: Working through it is awesome.

Here is the basic design for his "The Mikado." I think it looks like a flannel board, which is appropriate for a play, right? :)

I keep trying to redesign this:

into a facebook cover pic for his wall:

And see? They look FINE here. They look completely pixellated and awful on FB.

So... if you see them on facebook, apparently I've forgotten how to use photoshop, because I can't for the life of me make things look right.

This would be why I'm not in web design, yes?

Coping and a Rant

Everyone who has Depression deals with it differently.  Me, I take meds and supplement with other things.

Those other things being:

1: World of Warcraft. I log in and I can zone out of my head. It effectively shuts off the negative tape that is on constant loop in my brain. If my kids interrupt my gaming, it's no big deal; I get up and help them, and it works for me because I'm not convinced I'm a horrible waste of space while I'm playing. I tend to feel better after being immersed in pixels for a while. Besides, I love collecting all the super cute pets; they make me grin. I generally play the most on my worst days. Is it addictive? Yep. Is it helpful? Yep. Do I feel guilty for wasting my time and money on the game? Hell no.

2: Music. On really bad days, happy music doesn't do anything, even if I make myself sing along. But on mediocre days, it's awesome. The last few days have been especially bad, even with meds. My husband, bless him, brought home Just Dance 2014 for me, so I could have a game to play doing stuff I love to music I love. Music generally gets me up, moving, and if I can feel it inside my skin, it clears my thoughts. Even on bad days, getting up and moving and doing things with the kids is a good thing, even if I'm not feeling it.

3: Essential Oils and Vitamins. I have no scientific data to prove to you that they work but they do help. And when I'm in the midst of low lows, any little bit that helps is a good thing.

4: Friends. I text friends, call friends, talk to people. Or sometimes they just call me at the right time when I'm spiraling down. And the friends I have who also struggle with depression don't tell me I'm imagining things or using excuses. They understand that it's crippling, that the negative voices that make me cry over stupid things are real. And yeah, I might be crazy, but they love me anyway. This is huge. And it helps me smile. Anything that helps me smile is worth the time and energy.

5: Books. Specifically fluffy happy books that make me laugh and have happy endings. So generally romance novels. I don't care if they're paranormal, thriller, contemporary, historical, sci-fi, or whatever. I'm after the happy feels.

This is also where I get ranty, though. I have probably read two or three hundred romance novels in the past six months, and let me tell you, those freebies on Amazon? ugh. I follow several publishers and editors on twitter, so I jump on the freebies when they announce them. But not all of the freebies on Amazon are from publishers, nor are they worth my time. I'm a big girl, so I can skip a page if a story gets too coarse or detailed. I generally don't care, unless the language offends my delicate sensibilities and then I just skim, but whatever. My point being I'm not terribly picky about romance novels.

Except for this one teensy tiny little thing:

HEY YOU ROMANCE AUTHORS ALL PROUD OF YOURSELF FOR FINISHING A BOOK AND HITTING THE PUBLISH BUTTON:  I know who you are, and I have a list with your book title and your name so I know never, ever, ever to download one of your books again, ever.

No, I'm not a published author, but I know what I like to read. I will happily read a freebie and then buy more from an author if:

• Dialogue is believable and fun. Not stilted, boring, stupid, or repetitive. You know who does awesome dialogue? Shannon Stacey and Molly Harper.  You know why I think this? Because when I read it, I can hear it as if my brothers or friends were saying it. Now, however, I have a long list of books where people sit at a table and have the most mundane boring conversations EVER. "Oh, you like this? I like this too." "Oh how cool, I've liked that since I was a kid." "Oh neat, I liked it when I was twelve, what else do we have in common?"   It's a sad thing, really, but apparently I like making lists.
  
  
• Characters feel real.  I don't care how silly or off the wall or neurotic a character is as long as they're believable. They can be in space, middle-earth, fairy land, or a zombie, but I need to believe their actions are more than because you the author said so. I want to feel like I know them, that they are different from each other. And seriously, while I'm ranting about characters, if I find one more male hero named Rafe, I am going to insist all of the Romance Writers of America meetings have a character naming class that all y'all must attend before you get to publish another book. Or maybe just have Word and InDesign -- and whatever other diy magical publishing thingies are out there-- delete your manuscript if that name is found anywhere in the text.
• Story is fun. You know what, I KNOW there's going to be a happy ending, that's why I read these books. I know they're gonna hate each other at the beginning, or not understand their attraction, or fall in love and then some misunderstanding is going to happen. Ok, I'm good with that. I want to feel the attraction, the tension, the worry, the joy. However, I'm not good with you telling me over and over and over and over why they have a hangup. Or putting guy and girl together in implausible circumstances. I need logic, people. I might be craving the happies, but you're for real going to try to convince me that Girl A  falls madly in love with Guy B who is always mad and grouchy at her?  uh... no. What the heck is fun about that?? WHERE IS YOUR LOGIC???  Or maybe you need someone to EDIT YOUR BOOK????  AAARGH
• Magic/Strange/Weird stuff. I don't mind a good billionaire sweeps girl next door off her feet. But I love magic and other stuff even more. Time travel, wizards, fairies, you name it, that stuff is even more fun than just a guy/gal get together. Although to be honest, I'm about done with the vampire thing. I will always, always, always love vampires, but I think I'm done reading about them for a while. Patricia Briggs and Carrie Vaughn are pretty awesome at writing the werewolves, but I kinda hope a new fad comes along soon.
• Proofed. Ok, I will admit I'm not nearly the grammar nazi that some of my friends are. I'm willing to overlook a great many typos, because hey, typos happen. What irritates me is the blatant publishing of something that has poor grammar, period. The sentences make no sense, the people speak like uneducated teenagers when they're supposed to be professional businesspeople, etc. Oh, and then the emails from amazon stating that hey, such n such book has been updated with edits and proofs. You know what those emails do? They make me LOSE respect for the author, because if they'd had any business sense at all, they'd have had someone, or a bunch of someones, read their book first,  made the edits, had it read through again by a different set of people, edited and revised some more, and THEN published the thing so that I don't have to be subjected to their first draft.
  
  Amazon isn't a writing group, people. It's a place where I go to find new authors that I might like.  As a consumer, if you're trying to feed me a rough draft, I'm gonna get pissy and never, ever, ever buy your books again.
  
  
  I guess that means that maybe I rant about things as part of my self-medication, too. That's what blogs are for? Ah well.
   

Depression, Bluntly

The other day a relative who I love and adore and respect gave me a big long lecture about how I could cure my depression by eating every three hours instead of taking those evil, awful, anti-depressants.

The sad thing is that she's not the only person out there who feels this way. They think if you're on medication, you're somehow weak, or less-than you could be, and if you just tried this one thing, it would fix all of it, right now.

Yes, the side-effects of meds are wonky and screw things up. And yeah, getting the dosage right is a bit of a trial and error thing. But I'll tell you what: NOT having the meds is waaaay worse.

Some background:

* My mother and grandmother believe anything and everything can be fixed with a positive attitude and the right diet. If something is wrong with you, there's an herb, a food, a vitamin, or something that you can take that will fix it.  I was raised with this, so I believe this, too.

* I am certified in Foot Zoning, I've read everything about essential oils, and only take my kids to the doctor if they specifically request it or I feel it's necessary. I took nutrition and anatomy classes in college alongside my illustration and graphic design classes so I wouldn't have to rely on others for the health and well-being of my family.

* I'm religious, too. I do believe God can fix anything, but I also believe sometimes we have to go through what we go through for a reason. One day I plan on confronting Him about some things and asking for an explanation or two. I'm sure he'll grin at me and show me, but for now, I try not to feel too put out. (What that translates to is that I feel I have a good relationship with God, even though I don't always understand things.)

So here's the thing: I struggle with Depression.

Some days it wins and I can't get out of bed. Some days I win, and I can get up and be productive. It doesn't ever go away, but some days it's less intrusive than others.

This means that in spite of all the essential oils, foods, vitamins, and any other hoo-doo I can think of, my brain is broken. There is a chemical imbalance that I cannot fix, and some days it wins. I have a doctor and a therapist and a circle of friends and family that are working to help me through this.

A lot of the women in my family struggle with depression and the answer for each of us has been very different. We don't even react to the same drugs the same way. I am still trying to find my answers.

Bluntly: This means that yes, there are times I feel that ending things would be an immense relief and that everyone would be better off without me.

Bluntly: Depression lies. But it lies so well, it's hard to see the truth.

I have kids and I love them, and I refuse to abandon them to this scary, scary world. So I'm not giving up, but that doesn't mean the thought doesn't cross my mind. It just means I have to find ways of not thinking about it.

Depression doesn't LOOK like an illness, and people who have never had it have zero clue how it feels. I know, I was one of them for many years. 

• Depression looks like a messy house because cleaning it feels overwhelming and you don't even have the energy to care that it's messy.
• Depression looks like a clean house because you can't stand being judged, or because you can't stand the mess one more day.
• Depression looks like a happy face, excited and enjoying the moment.
• Depression looks like a tired body incapable of getting out of bed because just breathing is hard.
• Depression looks like a fun-loving, caring neighbor who helps do laundry and clean houses.
• Depression looks like someone incapable of basic hygiene.
• Depression doesn't feel anything, because feeling something is beyond its capabilities
• Depression feels everything
• Depression loves deeply
• Depression points out every single inadequacy and says 'why bother trying'
• Depression hides
• Depression walks amongst you, camoflaged as a normal person being brave enough to venture out of the house.

 
Telling me to pray more is not going to fix it.
Telling me to read my scriptures more is not going to fix it.
Telling me to change my attitude and think positive is not going to fix it.
Telling me to stop and smell the roses and just appreciate what I have is good advice, but it's not going to FIX the CHEMICAL IMBALANCE in my brain.
Those things right there? That is more ammunition on the 'guilt' pile of all the 'shoulds' that tend to make the bad days worse.

Yes, writing down things I'm grateful for IS therapeutic and good for me. I'm well aware that a positive attitude can conquer many obstacles. Yes, it helps me remember the truth, and see the little blessings that are in my life, so I can remember that Depression LIES. But it doesn't FIX the depression.

Yes, praying and reading scriptures ARE good (for me). And yes, they are exercises in feeling the spirit, and yes, that extra hug and knowledge that I'm not fighting this alone is good for me, too. But, again, so far God hasn't seen fit to fix me. So telling me I'm not doing ENOUGH of that isn't helpful, it's harmful.

Depression compounds everything that goes wrong and makes me think it's all my fault and if I were only a better mother, my kids would be angels and perfect and never fight.

So, here it is, bluntly:

I am fighting to be happy. I am fighting to stay sane and not drown in the sorrows and overwhelming 'shoulds' of the the world and its expectations. I try so very hard to find the happy, the silver linings, the positive. And for the most part, people I know are awesome cheerleaders.

I am fighting to remember how to create. How to write. How to string words together into sentences that make sense. How to draw, how to paint, how to be creative and fun. I struggle with just being able to breathe in and out some days, as that in itself is the act of creation as my cells multiply, divide, and reproduce to keep this body living.

To quote a metaphor I used on facebook:  Those of us battling depression are in the WWI trenches of No Man's Land. Behind us: the land we're defending is home, life, happy, that stuff we're trying to get back to. In front of us, attacking, is the storm trying to beat us down and take over. Some days we spend all day battling the storm. Other days we get a break and can retreat to the happy. Doesn't mean the storm is gone, the battle is still going on, but we get to go on leave once in a while. So some days I don't feel like I'm down in the trenches and covered with mud. But I can feel the battle there, it's not going away.

Depression is not fun. It's not an excuse. It's real. It's a never-ending battle.

One person's answer, one person's med, oil, vitamin, sunshine regimen, or whatever is not going to work for everyone. I'm willing to try things to see if they help, but please remember, folks: this life is not One Size Fits All.

I'm very lucky to have good friends who have been there to catch me on days when I'm falling. I have an awesome safety net of people who remind me of the fun, the silly, and laugh-worthy, and the greatness that is life.

Play Lists

Having leftover happy from yesterday's manic episode means I got my dishes done! Including the pots! (super fantastically awesomeness right there) And my floors vacuumed and mopped. And I've even started sorting laundry (gasp!!)

Figured I'd share my playlist, because my kids and I have to stop and dance to the music a lot during this. In fact, I'm still dancing. And its not often that I can drag myself out of the depressive fog to not only want to clean, but enjoy it.

This may not be up your alley music-wise, but it is my happy list today :)

The 1975 - Chocolate
The Fray - Love Don't Die
Pitbull & Ke$sha - Timber  - because get up and MOVE, yo!Gavin Degraw - Sweeter
Parachute - Can't Help
Lawson - Juliet
Daughtry - Waiting for Superman
Lifehouse - Halfway Gone
Parachute - Drive You Home
Sensefield - I Refuse
Fall Out Boy - Alone Together
Innerparty System - Not Getting Any Better
Neon Trees - Lessons In Love
Florence + The Machine - No Light No Light
Olly Murs - Army of Two
Olly Murs - Troublemaker  - because my son LOVES this song -
U2 - Elevation
Matchbox 20 - Disease

Why Girl Scout Cookies?

A box of cookies from a Girl Scout is so much more than delicious goodness. It is a box of wonder and possibilities that gives girls the opportunity to see their potential and chase after their dreams.

Because of cookie sales, my daughters have been able to go to summer camps where they learned to ride horses, face their fear of heights, learn new songs, make friends, and live in a tent for a week.

Camp Trefoil 2013

Camp Trefoil High Ropes course 2013

Because of cookie sales, my girls have learned to shoot bows & arrows. They've attended the UofU Architecture and Engineering days and learned to extract DNA, design cabins, and learn about ergonomic and efficient designs (among lots of other things). They've had a sleepover with the Lady Ute basketball team.

Because of cookie sales, my girls have had their horizons widened. They've been to Yellowstone, Moab, rafted the Colorado river, and explored caves. They've learned to budget for trips, how to plan trips, and how to get along with other girls in a car for long periods of drive time.

Minnetonka Cave 2012

Because of cookie sales, they've explored bookmaking, ad design, air quality, animal care, public speaking, astronomy, weather, and countless other subjects.

Bookmaking Badge 2011, U of U BookArts program

Because of cookie sales, my girls have learned to serve their community by growing a garden and donating the food to a local shelter, doing food drives, coat drives, book drives, and are now spearheading a project to decorate rooms and collect needed items for Safe Harbor.

And so yes, every year starting in January we start our cookie pre-sales. And then in March we start delivery and booth sales, hawking cookies for all we are worth. It is overwhelmingly busy, but we do it with enthusiasm every year, in the cold, wind, snow and rain.

Black Island Farms Scarecrow design contest 2013.
The girls designed our girl scout as being terrified of the crow :)

Cookies are worth it. You can't put a price on the experiences and opportunities that Girl Scouts has given my daughters that they would not have been able to afford or been able to participate in otherwise.

Ahhh, Therapy

Today was my first day of therapy. According to my doctor, the best way to treat depression is with the Holy Trifecta of DOOM. Er. Ok, maybe not Doom, since this is supposed to be a positive thing. Something uber powerful that consists of me, my doctor, and my therapist that is an awesome word that I can't think of at the moment. Insert that there. *cough* anyway...

Since I didn't know I needed a therapist, I now have one. Let the Holy Trifecta-ing begin!

Since it was mostly a get-to-know-you session, I am not going to pretend great strides were made on my psyche or anything. She noted what drugs I'm on, what the dosage is, and how I'm currently feeling. Then she told me her style of therapy, what to expect from her, and how we're going to proceed.

Ok, that's all good, right?

For the record, I started on Zoloft in November. Felt like my skin didn't fit and I looked like a junky in need of a hit. Not a drug that works well for me. Nope. Didn't like Zoloft AT ALL. Doc put me on Lexipro in December and I am starting to feel human-ish. Some pretty big life whammies have hit that have made me crash the last week, but I'm hanging on and I'm fairly sure that the meds have a big part to play in that.

I still miss my motivation, but it's better some days than others. Still a rollercoaster, but the ups and downs don't seem quite so extreme anymore.

THINGS I LEARNED OR HAD REAFFIRMED TODAY:
* Anger/Irritation is the body's way of self medicating. Feeling anger or irritation gives you energy, which helps the body combat the apathy. While unhealthy for relationships around you, it's a step up from not caring at all.

* Craving sugar is also the bodies way of self-medicating. The craving of quick-burn sugars is a way of getting the needed/wanted energy. The downfall is that with the quick rush is the dive into the lows. So, if craving carbs, eat them with a protein so there's a longer burn. In other words: Think When You Eat. So if I'm going to eat chocolate, eat it with peanut butter. Or maybe choose cheese and honey-roasted ham.

* Highly intellectual and creative people are pre-disposed to mental illness. The fact that many of the women in my family also struggle with depression, AND I'm an artist, AND I'm smart, pretty much stacked the deck, and the fact that it started at 35 is textbook. So, no feeling guilty that I've been hit by the black cloud, now to learn how to deal with and control it.

* There is hope. I'm not alone. I have lots of people who love me and who help support me through the bad days.

Would be cool if my therapist had a working magic wand and could just fling it at my brain and fix it. Which she described as being turned to pudding. (And which, amazingly enough, is exactly how it feels: Like I'm swimming through pudding when trying to think or cope or feel.)

My tool for this week: the food thing. Think about what I'm eating and go for the long burn instead of the short one. Hey, the fact that I had the energy AND the words to write a blog post is amazingly amazing, right? Huge big deal. I can totally do this. One day at a time, one breath at a time. Just gotta keep breathing in and out, in and out.

k, and when I'm done with that, I'll go wrangle that washing machine that decided to die. again. Wish me luck.

Poetry of the Mad

Mom are you ok?
No. My brain is broken.
It’s not broken, you just have a headache.

So, did the doctor say anything?
She called in an anti-depressant.
But what is wrong? Is it
Menopause?
Depression?
There has to be something specific.

What did she say was wrong with you?
She didn’t say.
Could be hormonal
Could be chemical
We’re trying this first to see if it works.
How can she prescribe something if she
doesn’t know for sure?
Are you sure you need meds?

What do you think is wrong?
I don’t know.
My brain is broken.
My feels have a hiccup
My skin doesn’t fit
I burn with rage
I float in apathy
I feel the joys and sorrows of the entire planet
And it consumes me

We're not telling you to suck it up

We're sure you're in a ton of pain, honey, but it'll be three weeks before you can see the doctor. Just take it easy or go to the E.R. if you really can't handle it.

Because yes, a $250 ER Co-pay and 20% of the fees is something my budget has just been dying to splurge on. And, oh, yeah, they'd want to give me morphine. Another fun thing to look forward to: red angry veins from the hydrochloric acid they call a godsend of a painkiller burns my arm off while making me hurl my stomach and lungs up.

In other words: suck it up, soldier.

You are a woman: you've had six kids, pain is an old friend, a monthly friend; you can do this.

Ok, someone's definition of "friend" is completely different than mine, but I guess I'm still breathing.

Last week it felt like my right ovary had declared nuclear war on my left. The left then mutated into some kind of shark-tooth covered alien trying to gnaw its way out of my abdomen while retaliating with carpet-bombing across the way back to the offending O.

And then all hell broke loose Saturday when I was pretty sure my lower abdomen went supernova.

Drugs? Sure. I have them on hand. I filled my prescriptions after my Appendectomy/Hernia/OvarianCystRemoval Trifecta Of Doom surgery a couple of years ago. And then never took them. Pain AND narcotic allergies really don't make for a fun experience. Especially when the narcotics don't really get rid of the pain, but add massive headaches and nausea to it.

But, you know, sometimes I take them because the pain is so bad I have to believe the other side-effects are worth it. And then it all snowballs to Hell and doesn't melt for a couple of days.

1 - I will never understand how people can get addicted to pain killers. Gross

2 - My female bits have done their part, and are broken. They're past warranty and I'm pretty sure I can't get a factory replacement, so I'd just as soon have them removed, thank you very much. Besides, if they keep fighting, who knows what other organs they'll incite into rebellion.

The last thing I need is for my kidneys deciding to be the Luke and Leiah to my brain's Emperor, with the liver shooting out cloned Storm Troopers while my pancreas declares itself the moon of Endor. I'd be a living breathing disco ball of lights, suspended from the ceiling and spinning from the blaster shots, light sabers, and Force being thrown around. Ooh, Pretty.

Three weeks.

At least the supernova has burned down, leaving my uterus a flaming bonfire. Today the two O's are sitting around it singing Kumbaya until their next high school drama fight begins and they start trying to claw each others eyes out again. Using ballistic missiles.

I'll take it. I have dishes to do and girl scouts to run and a couple of birthdays to plan. And if the O's can keep the cease-fire up for three weeks until the doctor can fix the problem, fine.

Because scheduled medical anything is cheaper than unscheduled.

top ten must-read epic fantasy books

Let's assume you're someone who has never read epic fantasy before and is interested in picking up a book. What book should you read first?

First, hopefully you understand that Epic Fantasy is going to generally mean bigger books, bigger storylines that span several books, lots of magic, is usually set in a midieval time period of some sort, and usually has lots of Dungeons & Dragons style critters in it: elves, dwarves, monsters, etc. And if you don't know what those are, I guarantee you'll find out in a hurry.

Now, most folks would say, "Start out with Tolkien! He's the father of Epic Fantasy!" And, sure, that's true. He is. But... unless you're used to his style of writing - and you've read a lot of, oh, let's say Dickens or Bram Stoker, I'm going to hand you "The Hobbit" instead of "Lord of the Rings." Trust me, it's just better for us all that way.

1 - "The Hobbit"
* Introduction to elves, dwarves, wizards, goblins, trolls, and dragons
* It's lighthearted and funny whilst still having an epic story to tell
* If you like it, the stage is now set for you to read "Lord of the Rings" as well as any number of other fantasy novels involving dwarves, elves, etc. (David Eddings, Terry Brooks, David L. McKiernan, Tracy Hickman, R.A. Salvatore, Raymond E. Feist)

There will be Tolkien fanatics who tell you to read the Silmarillion first or insist you add it to your reading list. Don't. Just trust me. Unless you read the bible often and think about how it influences your life and the culture around you, I think LOTR stands on its own just fine without having to read its bible (which Tolkien never intended to publish.)

2 - "Dragon Riders of Pern" by Anne McCaffrey.
* Completely different dragons
* Completely different world/monsters/politics/magic
* If you love these books, you'll love books by Christopher Rowley

3 - "The Swans War" series by Sean Russel - because it's a twist between the first two recommendations. And if you like those three books, then you should read his "Initiate Brother" duology, as well.

5 - "Codex Alera" by Jim Butcher
* This is getting your feet wet in epic fantasy. Six books, not small, each with awesome stories yet working together to tell a bigger story overall. Some fantastic magic here.

6 - "Scent of Magic" by Andre Norton
* this is a one book standalone novel to give you a break from the stack of books you just read and the wall of books I'm about to suggest after this. However, if you like this, you should definitely check out all of her other novels, as well as those by Ursula K. LeGuin and C.J. Cherryh. These women are the Goddesses of Sci-fi/Fantasy

7 - "Wheel of Time" by Robert Jordan, finished by Brandon Sanderson
* Ok, yes. This is a boatload of fifteen humungous books and looks daunting right off. Take it one book at a time, one word at a time. And if you love it, it's the stuff dreams and many a conversation are made of.
* Note: If you like the first few books and get bored, say in book five, I won't be sad if you put them down and go read something else. If you can't make it through book one, that's ok, too. Try "Mistborn" by Brandon Sanderson :) No, that series isn't anything like Wheel of Time, but they are epic fantasy and are awesome. In fact, if you end up liking WoT, definitely read Sanderson's books, and I would add Tanya Huff and Holly Lisle to the list as well.

8 - "Servant of a Dark God" by John Green
* I've just added this to my top ten list after reading it this week. Amazing story, amazing world, it's just that good. I think anyone who loves epic fantasy needs to read this book. And anyone new to the genre should maybe start here.

9 - Discworld novels by Terry Pratchett
* doesn't matter which book you pick up first. There are over 20 novels plus short stories, most stand alone. The ones that don't are labeled accordingly. Read them, laugh, read some more, laugh some more, and learn to laugh at the genre itself and society while you're at it. This is satire at its best.
*if you like these, I'd recommend books by Robert Aspirin, Piers Anthony, Harry Turtledove

10 - Oh, I don't know how to pick what goes here. "Time of the Dark" by Barbara Hambly? Anything by Barbara Hambly? Go read her books. Read them all, right now. The woman can write.

This post inspired by Chuck Wendig's crowdsourcing of favorite epic fantasy reads. LOTS of awesome books suggested there.

Arting through the Lows

My friend Lee was the Major General --and was FANTASTIC-- in a local community theater production of Pirates of Penzance. I told him I would do artwork for their next show, for free even, if they'd please, please, please let me help them with their backdrops.  I may not be the worlds greatest artist, but, well, it's better than them not having an artist at all.

He took me up on the offer, and I've been decorating fans for the upcoming Mikado. I've finished the flowered fans for the women, now I'm working on the big buff manly-man warrior fans for the men. 

This project has been a lifesaver for me. Struggling with being tired all the time, I've had to cancel all kinds of things because I have zero energy. But sitting in my chair and sketching out forms with a white colored pencil has activated my spirit in a way that is encouraging. I don't feel frustrated, or sad, or useless when I'm drawing.

So while my energy levels are still low (I seriously needed a nap after doing the first fan) this project doesn't make me feel tired on the inside. I pull out that silver Sharpie and get to work, gritting my teeth and forcing myself through the tired because I'm excited to see the finished result.

silver sharpie on black nylon

silver sharpie on black nylon

And nope, these are not my own original images, let me say that right up front. They are a study in black and white of some very talented artists' work. Ecept the demon. I looked at a bunch of oriental demons and came up with something that I thought would work on a fan.

black and silver sharpie. first lines drawn in w/ white colored pencil

Are they perfect? hardly. Will they work as props in a play? I think so. I'm not sure about that demon, though. I need to rethink some lines that blur or conflict or are maybe too thin.

At the end of the day, it's nice to be useful. And drawing with sharpie doesn't take anything out of me, leaving me feeling all used up. Instead I feel... filled? Does that make sense? Physically I'm tired, but I woke up in a happier place this morning after yesterdays Art Harder marathon. (thank you Chuck Wendig)