Saturday, September 19, 2015


I'm a teensy tiny little bit worried that I might be going into a manic phase? I have all this crazy energy, and I've had it since noon. I'm not even tired. so... probably a sleeping pill is in order for tonight. (this morning? it's really 2 a.m.??? no way. It feels like 10pm.) But, um, if I start spouting all these ideas for projects I'm going to do and then forget them for another one, that would be a yes, yes in fact I am in a manic phase.
I'm telling you the warning signs now because I don't see them until after the fact. so, you know, I might need someone else to say, "Hey, call your doc."
While my mild manic's are great for interacting with people at work -- ooh, and housecleaning! -- it's probably not a great sign for how my meds are working. It's also a sign that a super bad low is on the way.
So I'm deciding that the happy energy is simply that. Happy energy! FEEL THE LOVE EVERYONE!! I am sending it out to everyone!! I hope my cousins in France and Germany can feel it! smile emoticon

Thursday, September 17, 2015

pros and cons for me of retail work

Cool things about working: Adult conversation, smiling at people, losing a pant size from being on my feet all day and walking back/forth from home. Having a reason to do hair and makeup AND jewelry! Oh, and the paycheck. Did I mention the discount? Because discount = awesome.

Not cool things about work: The kids cheering "Yay mom's home! I LOVE it when you're home!" and becoming velcro when they come home from school on one of my days off. Putting my schedule into my phone and still clocking in late at work (even though I'm IN the store) because the numbers get turned around in my head. Staring at clothes and not remembering what I'm supposed to do with them on my bad days. Jada saying "I'm so glad you're not closing this week. It's nice to have a break." My feet hurting.

 The kids only see Rob during the mornings, because he gets home long after bedtime. Because my schedule changes constantly, they see me at all kinds of different times. /

According to Jada, the pros of this: "Hey, we're learning independence and how to rely on ourselves."

Of course, the cons are: "I don't like having to be the mom." wil won't do his homework for her like he does for me. You know, mom things.

this working thing is hard for me. I mean, I know it's hard for everyone, but once upon a time I was a quick learner, could tell time, could do math, and remember basic things. This is much harder for me now. The forgetful bit is really kind of an issue some days, though.

Not sure if I'm whining, thinking this over, or putting all the thoughts out there so I can do some problem solving to make this better.

Thursday, September 10, 2015

Why I got a job?

I am working 7pm to close tonight. Can I just say that A- I still don't feel all that great, but I'm not sick. and B - I just don't have the energy to walk there today. I have to get there, so I will, but I am probably going to have to leave an hour early.
Once I get there, I'm usually fine. It's the getting myself there that's the hard part. Today is one of those days I just want to sit in a dark room, curl up and hide.
Which, of course, means that the social interaction is something I NEED to do today.
THAT's the work part.
You know, I have so many friends and family going through stuff so much worse than this. We remember so many folks in our prayers that need blessings and help, and I just feel stupid for my down days. And while I know what I struggle with is real, it seems so mild next to everything else.
Ok, yeah, if there's a repeat of April, then yeah, it's very real and very scary, but... well... hopefully there won't ever be a repeat of that.
I have a lot to be grateful for. I have healthy children capable of being self-reliant. They may not always get along, but as they've grown they look out for each other and remind each other of the rules.
I have a husband willing to work to provide for his family. Who takes his turns doing dishes and cleaning the bathrooms.
I have a home that is current on the rent. I have food. I have medical coverage for my children and husband. I have books to read, I have the internet, a computer, electricity and gas. We have the basics we need, and we have quite a few of the niceties. We aren't rich, but we are not living in squalor.
So blessings. Lots of them. Many, many things to be grateful for. Yet I feel like getting up and facing the day is nearly impossible.
I'll be walking in the sunshine, that will help. I'll be walking. That in and of itself will be good. An object in motion tends to stay in motion. And object at rest tends to stay at rest. Unless acted upon by an outside force, right? Well, I guess today that outside force is gonna have to be me telling myself to get up off my butt.

Tuesday, September 1, 2015

The Semi-Colon fad? It's not just a fad for me.

I have talked about tattoos before, and I know some think it's a great idea, some don't -- or don't even understand why I'd consider it. Some just don't care what I do, because my body, right?

I'd like to explain how I'm feeling. I love butterflies because they represent freedom, which is a very big deal when I feel caged inside my own head. After my long walk in April, a tattoo became something that I felt I needed to do, because even though I can no longer control my mind all the time, I can control my dreams.

 I don't know how many of you have heard or seen the semi-colon movement, a blog post that went viral about a semi-colon tattoo to represent surviving a suicide attempt. I want to let you know that I am not jumping on a band wagon just because other people are doing it. I have never been one to follow a crowd. In fact, I usually will do the opposite just to prove that I can think on my own. 

However, I personally identify with the semi-colon because of my choice in April. And I want to share some of the ideas I'm toying with for when a tattoo won't be a financial luxury I can't afford, but something that I am doing for myself. When it won't be a choice between catching up on some bills or putting ink on my skin. I mean, really, that's just a duh choice, right?

Something simple yet beautiful, something that expresses me. Something small and in a place easily covered for work, yet something I can see when I need to. Because there are times I *need* to see it.

It's ok if you don't understand. It's ok if you disagree. I just wanted to explain where I am emotionally and mentally on this, and why, even though I do not like pain at all, I am willing to do it.

The original quote from the original blog post. When I can find the link I will share it.  

I've always love ink splotches. I love this semi-colon. Not sure how I'd work in a butterfly, but it would be kind of awesome, don't you think? Well, I think so.
Love this butterfly and the simplicity and grace

Ok, how can I NOT love this butterfly??  It's amazing

Oh, I love the splotches and inky here. 

This needs to be a tattoo for me as well. NEEDS to be. Sometimes I need to be reminded that I write my story. Ok, I don't want the words. Just the book turning to wings.