In the past few months since the last time I saw him, I've had a drunk day, some pretty low days where it was a giant effort just to get out of bed, and some normal I'm fine days.
I was reluctant to go see him because I did not want to report on the homework assignment he gave me the last time.
Homework: Approach my marriage like I approach Christmas. Figure out a way to make it fun.
Yeah, I did not like that. He told me my face was going to stick in the expression I was making.
When I reported back to him today, I let him know flat out that completing that assignment was flat out impossible. How in the hell does one make verbal abuse fun???? Is that even possible? I'm thinking whoever managed to do it would be some kind of masochist. Who in their right mind likes to be criticized and made to feel 2 inches tall and stupid constantly?? How is that fun?
It's bad enough that my daughter has moved out for the rest of the summer and moved in with her fiance. I certainly don't blame her. She deserves to live in an environment where she feels safe and loved and allowed to make mistakes without a huge and loud freak-out session.
So... yeah. I tossed that homework aside and did something else. Bought some books. Had a frank conversation with Mr. Grumpster. Started reading. Told him he needed to get some therapy. He doesn't believe me - he thinks it's just a temper thing. It's not. It's a 'watch what words come out of your mouth' thing. It's a 'stop blaming everyone for not being perfect' thing. It's a 'do you love this person more than you love
My doctor asked about my energy levels, my ability to focus, my appetite, and on a scale of 1-10 with 10 being the worst, where would I rate my depression. Oh, and any thoughts of suicide. (I can at least say no to that one.)
He feels that my stress levels are contributing to my need for constant sleep and low everything else. I'm pretty sure he's right. He also says that my 'drunk' moments are my brain's version of mania. They're tiny in comparison to regular bi-polar, but they're mania all the same. So... yay. I've gotten stressed enough that mania is back in the works.
I love my doctor because he's very frank with me. He looked at me and said, "We could change up your meds, but you're extremely sensitive to side effects. Not only that, but taking a pill is not going to fix your stress levels at home."
That is true. Messing around with the chemicals in my brain and my body causes all kinds of issues. Right now I'm totally fine with dealing with the nausea/dry-heaving caused by the Effexor. The side effects of the other stuff I've been on so far were soooooo not worth it.
He said the following were my options.
* Therapy - for me. If nothing else, I need someone to talk to in order to face and handle the stress of my marriage and coping skills. And this was not a suggestion, it was something he said I NEED to do. Not really an option if I want to feel better instead of continually getting worse.
* Couples therapy. I don't know if hubster's willing to do that. He's not even willing to talk to a therapist on his own.
* Um... there was a third thing, but I've forgotten it.
Money might be tight, but I am going to spend the $90/month on the therapist visits. She's worth it, she's amazing, and even though I should probably see her more often than once a month, it's better than nothing.