Monday, August 4, 2014


I have been working on several art projects to get through this summer.

A few of them are top secret and I can't say anything about them other than I'm working on it.

A couple of them are things I work on when I can't keep my sanity any other way. These I wish to share when I get them cleaned up in the computer.

But to put it bluntly, it's been a long summer. It's been a long year. I have a great psychiatrist, but he's been adjusting my meds, and that messes with my brain, which makes coping with life very difficult for me, as I'm very sensitive to medication.

Things going on in my life:

Girl Scout trips and Silver Award Projects to stress over, plan, postpone, etc. I love my girl scouts, but most of my troop and my co-leader are having to carry most of the weight because I haven't been functioning well.

Two daughters going off to college this month. One is going back after a year hiatus, one is going for the first time. One heading to the north of the state, one heading to the south.

Planning a daughter's wedding. To which I can only say: you want to get married two months after he proposes, you're not gonna get all the details and all the elaborate things you're wishing for.

I just realized I forgot to register my 14 yo for Junior High. Need to do that tomorrow.

And I need to get my three little ones, my BABY, ready for school to start next week. My son starts kindergarten. I cannot believe it.

However, while I have felt overburdened, unable to cope, and out of my mind, this summer we've accomplished two family camping trips, helped bring our cat's kittens safely into the world, taught art lessons every Weds, and done a face-paining/henna tattoo booth to help raise money for our troop.

I am dizzy, disconnected, and slowly getting my house ready for the onset of school, homework, and routine. I am trying to be active in my church callings as much as I can. I find I have energy when teaching my class, but otherwise I struggle with anxiety and panic attacks over large groups of people.

I have hope. I believe life will get better. I believe my brain will find an equilibrium and that somehow I will be the fun, excited, and silly mom that my kids remember.

I am planning on continuing to help run my girl scout troop next year, but it won't be easy. I'm not sure I can help out with my little girls' troop this year, though. I am already falling apart at the seams, it feels like. More things pulling on me will unravel all that is left of my sanity, I am afraid.

I wish very much to surround myself with crystals, beads, spirit rocks, and esoteric spiritual things that make me feel good. Like long flowy skirts and peasant shirts and lovely books full of flight and fantasy. That being said, I love my scriptures, my faith, my belief that I am not alone, no matter how hard things get. I love the colors of life. I love the spice of my friends. I love those who are there for me when I can't be there for anyone. I love that my husband is willing to cuddle and hold me when I can't think straight.

I have much to be grateful for, no matter how much I might complain about the things that are hard. I am very grateful for the little things and the big things.

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