Those Damned Demons

Friday night I had an experience that reinforced the why's of my divorce. I'm not going to go into detail.

What I will say is that the rest of the weekend I struggled with the old familiar insecurities that I thought I'd fought through and won.

Why am I not lovable?
What is so very, very wrong with me??
Why am I not worth any effort?
Why don't I deserve the same treatment as a stranger on the street?

You'd think after 26 years I'd have the answers to these questions.

I don't.

Logically, I know the truth: I *am* lovable. I *do* deserve the same politeness and respect that a stranger on the street receives.

However, wow, once these demons get resurrected, they are nasty little insidious buggers that take a LOT of effort to shut up and silence.

Let me tell ya, I'm quite aware of my imperfections. I can write a big long list if anyone's curious. I tend to rip up and/or burn the list once I flip and describe two positive attributes for each negative -- but trust me, I can make a list!

One of the wonderful things about life is that most people are lovable in spite of - or because of - their imperfections. And happy day, I'm one of those. Some people even find a few of my idiosyncracies adorable.

There was a reason I left and I'm a stronger person for having the guts to do it. And to stick with it.

It's nice that I can talk to myself about it, but it's even better when I get a hug from someone I trust who reinforces that I am loved. No matter what.