Emotions. I have them.

Today my car decided to overheat on the way to work. Massively. Not completely destructively, but bad enough that we sat on the side of the freeway for 20 minutes.

My interpretation of the terminology is this: my car is allergic to its radiator fluid, threw up most of it in my parking stall last night, and continued to spew out what we force fed it on the limping drive home. My poor mechanical baby is sick.

I have no skills in the area of fixing this. This terrifies me on that level that hates feeling out of control.


Money stuff is currently out of my control. I don't have a cushion of emergency funds large enough to fix this. Moving into this apartment pretty much ate everything I had as well as putting me in debt. Everything else extra I've had went into Christmas, getting a new mattress and month-to-month upkeep. What cushion I put aside every paycheck has enough in it right now for a month's worth of groceries and gas.

Oh, and while I'm thinking about it, Rent is due tomorrow. So there's that.

I hate being out of control. It's scary and crazy and I panic for a bit. Which is okay, so long as I don't wallow in it. Writing this is helpful for me to get the panic and fear and terror out.

This will probably be one of the least organized posts because I need to ramble about the feels. So if you're a grammar nazi or writer, this is probably going to offend your senses. I'm sure I didn't catch all the wrong words or typos. I tried. But I *always* need a line editor when I'm thinking clearly. Today I'm definitely not. So, to anyone who reads beyond this point you've been forewarned.

The first thing I panicked about was getting to work. Not only that, but missing a day of work because I was so sick two weeks ago I went into the negative on my sick time. And oh my gosh now I have to figure out bus and train schedules.

On top of that is the knowledge that I am not super capable of reigning in this level of emotion within a few minutes. Or a few hours. Because right now, I'm running on adrenaline and babbling verbiage.

The need to just talk about what's going on inside my head makes the very idea of answering calls and solving problems laughable. Not losing my mind over the constant sad stories??  Or finding the brain power required to figure out some of the complicated issues -- well, that's just not happening today.

Seriously, I stalled out just realizing that it's $10 a day for public transportation for L and I to get to/from work. Just stared blankly at L as he told me the costs while I nodded my head and said "Yes. I can do that." I do have those emergency funds sitting in that jar on my dresser. I can even cover L's portion of that if he needs me to. (He doesn't. And he wouldn't let me unless there were no other options.)

But I LIKE having that extra cash sitting there on my dresser. I don't WANT to use it. I want to keep adding to it, not reduce it.

Then logic kicked in. Options. There are always other options. There are people at work who live really close to us. (And thankfully L and I work at the same place.)  Carpools and temporary ride-shares are a possible thing. Oh look, options!

The next thing that kicked in: I've lived through worse.

Having my car be unusable, possibly even needing to be replaced, is not the most horrific or scary thing that has happened in my life.

That time my husband was in the hospital for over a month, dying from kidney failure? And we had to move in with his parents? And I miscarried twins? Yeah, THAT was a much harder time that this.

That time we had two weeks to move out of our house because the lawyers we paid forgot about us and didn't get paperwork filed? Yeah, THAT was much harder than this.

That time my husband was in the hospital for a month and then had massive surgery that pretty much cut him in two, while I was working two jobs and had a 3 yo and an 18 mo old and was shuttling kids between sitters and getting three or four hours a sleep a night for two years??... yeah, THAT was harder than this.

So putting today's stutter into perspective with the other hard things in my life helps. I'm still feeling the feels, but I also know this is going to work out. I don't know how. And that's okay. I just know it will.

Also putting things into perspective: L was able to determine the problem. Knew how to convince the car to get home. Was able to communicate with my brother the issue. They can do the mechanical talk and figure out the best option. He's come up with things in his control financially to help deal with the situation.

He's also doing the feels thing in that manly-man way. "I should be more flush so I can take care of this. I need to be able to take better care of you. You deserve someone able to make sure things like this are just a small hiccup."

*blink*

Yeah, that bit made me blink in surprise. I'll even tell you why:

I don't talk about this next bit publicly, but the emotions are here, so I'm going to anyway.

Usually I'm the one who has to hold it together. Usually the other half is saying things like, "I can never catch a break. This is so bad, I don't know what we're going to do. What are we going to do? Why is everything so horrible to me? I don't even know why I try." And then I comfort and try to convince that it's going to work out. And I find that second job or I do whatever I can do to solve the problem and prove to him that, See? It really is okay. (Toward the end, though, I put my foot down about some things. The two job thing? Not an option for ME. I already did that, thank you very much. But he can take a turn. You know, if he's willing to.)

This is the first time my other person has hugged me and said, "Go ahead and cry. It's going to all be okay. I'm having the same panic, but it's going to all be okay." And meant it. I didn't have to be the one doing all the reassuring.

Do you have any idea how awesome that is??

There wasn't any blame being thrown around. (I'm not going to quote that part. It's not worth remembering and definitely not worth reliving.) There were no fingers being pointed. Just a, "This wasn't something that could be prevented or even predicted. It just was. It's an old car. Not anybody's fault," when I started to apologize all over the place and worry that I hadn't done enough maintenance.

Words of reassurance. Words of comfort in a time of "AAAAH Unexpected Issue!!"

K, this is pretty darn wonderful.

I'm going to say this because I mean it:  I'd much rather have this person who *wants* to take care of me, who cares about how I feel, who treats me like I'm the most important thing in his universe, than all the money or cars or things in the world.

Ohmyholyfreakinggosh, I'm more important than a broken car!!!!!!!

Do you have any idea how amazing that feeling is? It's freaking fantastic!!!  And it's a NEW feeling. And it's a REAL THING!!!!!  This is a thing! I'm more important than whatever thing went wrong today!!!

I will never, not ever, be sorry for getting divorced. For then finding a friend who turned into being so much more. For feeling that mutual support I've heard of my whole life but never experienced.

The crap that happens now, because life, proves this to me every single time. It's all bearable. It's all going to be fine. Because I have a partner who bears the crap with me. It's an even load. I don't have enough words for how awesome a feeling that is. I've shouldered so very much, It's nice to have someone willing to shoulder it with me. I will never take this for granted. (If I ever do, someone slap me)

Emotions. Too many to name. Panic, terror, aaaaaaaaaaah!!!!!  Hugs, comfort, loves, more hugs. Gratitude. Overwhelming love. More gratitude.

I can do this. I can handle this. We can handle this. I can gird my loins with my big-girl panties and do what I always do: find a way to get around/over/under the hurdle. And this time it's not so hard at all because I have someone working with me.

I just want to shout out that gratitude to the universe. Yep, my lack of transportation sucks. #FirstWorldProblems. But I have so much awesome in my life that this isn't a major set-back. It's just a bump in the roller-coaster of life.

Deep, cleansing breath.

Wow, expressing that felt really good. I even had the tears while writing it.

And now that the feels have been expressed, I can get on with getting on.