Wednesday, March 18, 2015

Is it a cup? Or a pocket? Or a backpack?

Tonight, I met someone who not only used her bra as a phone holder, but as a holder for keys and I'm not quite sure what else. Was I being rude by trying to figure out what I was looking at?

By the time I realized that I was trying to figure out what all the shapes and shadows were on and around her cleavage, I realized that I was staring at her cleavage.

-- Awkward.   For me. Obviously not her; she didn't seem to mind at all. --

The artist in me wondered if I could get away with doing a quick sketch to record the ridiculousness that I felt had become her bosom.

-- still staring at her cleavage --

The mother in me hoped, hoped, hoped that my girls wouldn't think that they were seeing the new up and coming fashion and try to emulate it.

-- can't. look. away. She just pulled out a pen. A PEN! and wrote with it. AND SHE PUT IT BACK IN THERE! --

The woman in me wondered how in the world she could stand having all that stuff mushed in her tank top with her ladies. Ok, yeah, when I'm nursing new babies I go numb there, but that's out of self preservation. Purposely filling up the area around my areolas with pens and keys just because I don't want to wear pants with pockets? Or carry a purse? OUCH!

Admittedly, the cups of my bra aren't all that big, but they're full of what they're full of. And that does not include cold metal bitey things that can scratch and hurt.

-- Yep, still staring. Look away, look away!--

The curious cat in me wondered if she had incredible pain tolerance. Perhaps I should be in awe? Or give her some kind of award for creativity? Or maybe her boobs were somehow formed to be more utilitarian than decorative or recreational?

They really ARE a shelf to hold food that won't stay on your plate! Check this out: They come with extra storage space underneath with the right bra attachments!

-- definitely still staring. I'm going to start snickering if I don't turn my foot, pivot, and look at other people in the room RIGHT NOW--

Oh sure. I looked around, but at this point I was completely entertained by the whole thing. Instead of hearing the actual conversations going on around me, I began wondering what the new marketing campaigns were going to sound like.

Check out my boobs with the nobby bobbles on one side and key shaped edges on the other! Who wants that boring round shape, when you can have handles, edges, and texture?

It's no longer, "What do you have in your wallet?" but "What do you have in your bra?"

Before long, manufacturers of the boulder holders will have zippers for loose change and beepers for lost bits that get missed in the folds of those who are well endowed. Bra straps will come equipped with snazzy leashes or ties for ease of use when texting. Phones will automatically flip back into place on the chest for prominent display when the phone is not in use. Maybe they'll add flashing lights and glitter to the phone holder?

For those like me who have little to no cleavage, the new miracle bra would not only lift and shape, but have strategically placed pockets so my wallet and credit cards could provide maximum enhancement to my assets.

Removing our bras at the end of the day would be like removing Batman's utility belt, only with more gadgets, because you KNOW we're gonna find a place for lip gloss and mascara. Along with bandaids, scissors, dental floss, extra panty hose, super glue, and maybe some fingernail polish alongside the grappling hooks, wings, stun-guns, night sticks, grenades, and other kick-ass super hero gear that being a woman calls for. And apparently our breasts are the beasts of burden to carry it all along with our phones. Who knew?

It's plausible that phones are becoming the 'sock' for women. How big is that bulge in your bra? "Ooooh, what kind of phone do YOU have in there? Mine's heated in the winter and air conditioned in the summer." "Well MINE tells me when it's time to feed the baby before I get engorged." "Yeah? Well MINE can tell me the exact nutritional content of today's lactation, and how to adjust my diet accordingly." "/scoff/ MY phone uses my natural cold weather detectors as a thermostat."

Or maybe all that crap in the bra will make folks like me wonder, "Just what are you compensating for?"  Aaaaaaaand that takes me into an unexplored metaphorical area of phones and women's anatomy I am just not willing to explore any further.

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