Saturday, July 18, 2015

Vulnerability and Refusing to be Disabled

Another TMI post...

Have you seen Brenee Brown's Ted Talk on being Vulnerable? Well, this is me doing that.

 A family member suggested the other day that I look into Social Security Disability because of my mental illness and the instability that I experience.

So I did.

Turns out I don't qualify because I have been a stay at home mother for the past 14 years, regardless of how much I worked prior to that. Ok, fair enough.

 The SSD guy suggested I apply for SSI. After I did that I thought, Do I really want someone to pay me to stay home and sit on my butt all day? Because that can only lead to my depression getting worse. AND an excuse to *not* try to get better at social interactions. 

While yes, these are hard for me, I feel like I can make progress there if I try. Trust me, if it felt impossible, I wouldn't do this. 

So, I am trying an experiment. It may not work - let's be real here, I do have some very real limitations now. However, in spite of limitations, I applied for a part time job (hopefully *very* part time) at Ross. It's close enough that I can walk if I feel up to it. Also, I think I can handle stocking shelves, helping customers find things, and working the dressing room with a smile. At least, I hope so.

IF I get the job, I *reaaaallly* hope they don't make me a cashier though. That would be bad. My math skills have gone completely berzerk. I can report that I made it through their computer filter. the rest is just waiting for an interview with a real human.

 Rob wants to know what I'll do if a woman has a screaming baby in her cart. That's why I have xanex? I honestly don't know what I'll do, but hopefully I'll be able to come up with a workable coping strategy.

 It's been a few years since I've felt like I can try this. I don't know why now, but I'm following my feelings. If I get hired, I'll find out if responsibilities help me get out of bed on bad days, if I can love people enough to help them with a smile when I am feeling crazy grumpy, and - even more important - when they are crazy grumpy at me. --After 11 years in Customer Service, one of those being yelled at by upset Marriott customers who had issues bad enough to get to Mr. Marriott's office, and 5 of them being yelled at or worse by angry cable customers, I *should* be able to handle grumpy people when they happen. I guess we'll see. --- I honestly have NO idea how this is going to work out. But since I like experiments, here I go.

 Wish me luck?

 And, honestly, no matter how this turns out, at least I can say I tried, right? This in and of itself feels like a humongous step.

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