Where I'm At

Regression is hard. I know it's part of life, but it's a sucky part.

Let me start with the good things.

* I get to go play D&D with my guy friends on Saturdays. We laugh, we're silly, it's a good time. They don't care if I don't remember the rules. A couple understand my struggles completely. It's relaxing and recharging.

* Sunday evenings I go play games with another set of friends. We laugh, we're silly, and a good time is had by all.

* I have a lot of friends and family who are very supportive, whether I'm in a good place or a bad place.

* I have a great doctor who keeps tabs on me when I'm not doing great. He's supportive of my alternative supplements as well as being willing to tweak my meds as needed. He introduced me to goodrx.com, a great place to get coupons and less expensive prescriptions when you don't have insurance. "I don't get any kickbacks from this. Another patient of mine showed me this site, and I've been sharing it with patients ever since."  I love my psychiatrist.

* My husband is currently home all the time, and frankly that's a good thing currently. I'm not all that sure that I should be left alone right now.

--

And here are my stressors:

* My birthday happened. It was extremely extremely bad this year. I think mostly because I don't want another year like last year, but regardless, it sent me into this tailspin that I haven't been able to pull myself out of.

* My husband is out of work, and I'm a little worried about our ability to continue paying rent.

* Both of my favorite family reunions are at the exact same time this year. Not only that, but as much as I want to go, I don't think that I can handle being around all those people.  -- And my husband's immediate family reunion isn't nearly as many people as my extended family reunion. It makes me feel weak and stupid to dread the idea of going. Even though everyone is very loving, supportive, sweet, and caring. I just... don't feel like I can.  And this makes me extra sad because I LOVE Bear Lake.

* My doctor changed my meds last week. I'm now on 300mg of Effexor a day. I have had really great results with this medicine, but every change in the dosage makes me sick. If I don't eat when I take my meds, I feel like I have the flu. The rest of the time, I just feel icky, nauseated, or dizzy. Sometimes I'm okay, but mostly I feel sick. And being sick makes me grumpy.

* I am tired ALL the time. I get up around 11 a.m. after 9 hours of sleep and try to do something with my kids or be productive. After about an hour, I cannot keep my eyes open and end up falling asleep wherever I'm at and have to put myself to bed for another couple of hours.

* My motivation and energy levels are GONE. There is an entire list of things around the house that I want to do. Really want to do, honest. But I just can't drum up the energy or care enough to do them.
  - i.e. fold and put away my laundry. I'd kind of like to be able to vacuum that part of my room. Not only that, but when my room is clean, I feel like I can breathe better.
  - mop my upstairs floors. I just want my house to smell clean.
  - dust. Usually I love to dust, and it's not a hard thing for me to do. Now I look at my game chest, my piano and all the other shelves and think, "I want to dust that." And I can't summon the energy to go get a rag and do it.

* My right wrist and thumb are sprained. I was in a great creative space before I sprained them, and now I'm extremely discouraged that it hurts to move a pencil around. Well, it hurts to do quite a few things I'm used to doing with my right hand, but not being able to draw SUCKS.

* I went to the temple to go to my cousin's wedding a couple weeks ago and had a massive, I'm talking MASSIVE panic attack. I had to do breathing exercises, some kind of tapping/relaxation thing, and pop a xanex.  I had to leave the wedding breakfast early because the anxiety was still bad.  Going to the temple is supposed to be relaxing, recharging, and comforting. Instead, it made me want to go home. home home. Badly.

--

Here are the things that my doctor and other friends have suggested or 'prescribed' to help:

* exercise daily.
* Fish Oil and B vitamin supplements
* Iodine supplements
* Every day get up, get dressed, do my hair and make-up, and look like I'm ready to go out and face the world.


I would like to note that these things listed are not 'shoulds.'  These aren't things that are like another list of things to feel guilty about.  These are things that if I do them, I really do feel better. They are, my case, needs.

Except sometimes I can't make myself exercise. I have no energy. Or I'm too sick. And that just is how it  is. No guilt, just a thing on my list to do when I *can* do it.

The vitamins and other supplements are also things I take when I can keep them down.

The getting dressed and doing my hair is easier. With my new haircut, I *Have* to do it daily or it looks really crazy. Some eyeliner and some earrings, done. This one I can do just because I prefer to like what I see when I look in a mirror.

Sitting outside, whether in the front during a rainstorm or out back to cuddle with the dogs. I see all the yardwork I should be doing, but it is healthy for me to feel the sun on my skin, the grass between my toes, and the strength of the trees.

--

On a religious/spiritual front, I am doing:

* Church on Sundays. I can get through sacrament meeting now with no problems as long as I'm sitting in the back. Of course, with the revival of my anxiety it's not as easy as it was before June 18, but I can at least make it through the first two meetings without stress. The third meeting is harder.

* I play the scriptures out loud when I'm going to bed. For those of you who fall asleep immediately, that probably makes no sense. But when you're me and it takes an hour or so to fall asleep, I actually hear at least three or four chapters before I fade out.

* Prayer. A lot of it. I still feel weak. I know I'm not alone, but oh my goodness do I feel weak.

--

Truthfully, it is extremely to want to keep going right now. I feel like I'm slogging through mud.

It's wonderful when my son comes and jumps up on me and cuddles. I kiss his face and neck, he giggles, then runs off to build or play toys. He sings and keeps up constant conversation as he bounces from thing to thing around the house before jumping back up on me and getting more kisses and hugs.

Now, all this being said, I don't have a plan. So while part of me might want to jump off that cliff, I can't. I won't. It's just... hard right now. It's hard to want to keep fighting.

It's hard to wake up and face another day of no energy and sick and not be able to go visit friends or go for a decent walk around my neighborhood.