Babbling about my qualities

I've been thinking about my qualities as a partner...



Good things:

1- I don't get jealous or insecure over past girl-friends. I don't mind discussions of past girlfriends or relationships. I don't mind specifics. I don't feel like there are comparisons that devalue me. They're part of someone's past which has influenced who they are today.

2- I don't get jealous or insecure over people-watching. In fact, the artist in me will point out people I think are gorgeous so I don't have to enjoy the eye candy alone. I consider the lights and shadows, bone structure, and curvature, while sketching and drawing in my head. I'll look at the comics and other images right along-side them and make observations. /shrug. The human form is beautiful and amazing.

3- I will forgive just about anything. Except consistent anger, demeaning myself or my children, and constant yelling at loved ones. And really, I can say that I TRIED to live with that for a very, VERY long time. (Ok, so in my whopping 46 years on this planet, 26 years feels like an enormously long time.)

4- Not doing the dishes? Picking up your socks? Leaving dishes at your desk? Meh. There are bigger things in life to worry about than clutter. I'll clean it up if I have an issue. I expect the same in return.

5- I don't expect a guy to listen to me all the time. I talk to my cat, I talk to the air. I talk to my food, my fingers, my shoes. I talk all the freaking time.

If I want my guy to actually hear what I'm saying, I tap him on the shoulder and get his attention. Once eye contact is made, then I can expect him to listen and remember whatever it is I am saying. Otherwise, I really don't expect him to care about or acknowledge my constant babbling.

6- I don't give one flying fig about financial status. Money issues happen. They're a thing. Perfect credit, bad credit, whatever. I love a person for who they are. How they treat me is way more important to me than dollars or numbers. As long as they're working and not expecting me or the world to take care of them when they're perfectly capable of taking care of themselves, I have no issues or expectations. Treat me like a queen and I'll happily live in a cardboard box with you.

7- I'm funny. I'll play and tickle and randomly make you laugh. Just because playing is FUN! I'll try to drag you to new experiences just to see what they're like. I'll also sit at home in front of the computer next to you, perfectly content.

8- I love deeply and accept a person as a whole - imperfections, bad things, good things, wonderful things, scary things. And I don't give up on someone easily. (See #3)


Bad Things:

Reasons I'm not easy to partner with:

1 - I'm grumpy in the mornings. I don't growl at my partner, but I do growl *near* him. So if they tend to take my growling personal, well, that sucks. For me and them. And if I haven't eaten, I'm even more bitchy. About stupid things. Why is that driver doing that thing? They're SO STUPID!  Why does this earring fit so wrong. It's stupid!! And it's 7:30 in the morning!! Whoever invented mornings was evil and I hate them. And I can't find that sock or that shoe and GARRRRRR. And the cat has to have his litter all over the ENTIRE house??

You know, that kind of stuff. I'm fairly sure it's not exactly fun to listen to every morning. The really crazy thing is that in all my growly growliness, I expect people to recognize that I'm in that mode until it rights itself. I am *always* surprised if/when someone get upset about it.

My partner, L, thinks my bitching and growling is hilarious. So that works. And then he'll feed me so I cheer up. He doesn't take it personally -- which is easy for him since none of it is directed at him. He just accepts it as one of my quirks. Which is great, because I'm sure it can be frustrating.

(Note my unforgivable thing, #3, up top? Hi pot, I'm kettle.) I rationalize my behavior as being ok because I'm not telling people I love that they are stupid or lazy or awful because they ate a piece of cheese without putting it on a piece of bread. But I do know that grump really isn't ok. It's a thing of mine in the "con" column.

2 - I worry over things I can't control. I stress over being able to pay rent and buy food even when reality says it's all ok.

3 - My feelings can get hurt easily. Then I have to logic myself into realizing that what was said wasn't even aimed at me. Or if it was, work through it and not let it have rent-free space in my brain.

4 - I have a mental illness that affects my emotions. I can't always control them. I am doing much better, so I can control them 80% of the time now. Which is HUGE!!! But there are still times that the funk is the funk and I just have to work through it until I am able cheer up simply because I want to.

5 - I am insanely insecure when I meet new women. Women scare the hell out of me. Faceless people I've never met? Meh, who cares. But real life? In person? OMGosh you have boobs and indoor plumbing and I have to be in the same room with you??? Kill me now.

It takes me forever to feel like I measure up. Even longer to really, REALLY, decide friendship is an okay thing with a "her". Me: married for 26 years to an only son with four sisters. FOUR sisters; 26 years later and I don't really know any of them, nor my mother-in-law. Because female. -- yes, I have issues.

Unless that person and I click. That's a rare thing, but I love it when it happens. I can count on one hand the women who don't count as people. They count as part of me.

Now, give me a room full of guys and I'll be chatting and playing and goofing off without a care in the world. -- which could be a problem if my other half had jealousy issues? But it's never been a thing.

I do NOT understand the possessive jealousy thing. But I also understand that I'm weird.

6 -  I'll sit at home in front of the computer, perfectly content, and forget that you exist for a time. Until I see you gesturing for a hand-hold. Or a kiss. Or you need to ask me a question.

7 - I have all kinds of great, wonderful, beautiful ideas that I kind of start and then talk myself out of. ALL THE TIME.

8 - I hide when I'm upset, scared, insecure, depressed, feeling like a failure, etc. If I'm not happy with myself, I will hide. I hide in my bed. I hide in computer games. I hide in books. I'm very, very good at hiding.


I'm sure I have other issues that drive people up a wall and far, far away. I don't know what they are, but I'm sure they exist.


Edit:  6/5/19 -- This was on my mind because I noticed that L tells me often the various reasons he loves me. That's pretty awesome compared to the "I don't know why I love you. But I do," answer I got for a couple of decades.  Just sayin'