It's that time of year. My Womb Escapement Anniversary is tomorrow. (Thank you, Daria, for the title.) Yesterday I was so angry over nothing that I scrubbed my house down. I was mad at the dust, mad at the whatsits needing to be swept from my floor. Mad at the cat for defiling the floor with his cat litter. Angry at everything.
It was father's day. And I'm NOT okay with my dad. I wanted to talk to my grandfather, who really WAS my dad. The only real father-figure I have. But whenever I call his home phone it just rings and rings. When I call his cell, I get a message that the voice mail hasn't been set up. And that makes me cry. Because he thinks I don't love him. He thinks I only go visit him when I want something. No. That is NOT true!!! I don't go visit because gas is expensive. I think about him constantly. He's been the one constant in my life.
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Then I stepped on the Wii, because I have decided to finally start working out. It's no surprise to me, but it was to WiiFit that I weigh 223. So of course it blew my Mii up into this obese thing, just like my kids predicted. My 15yo said I'm halfway to being the size of Violet the Blueberry in Willy Wonka. She was not wrong.
On a related note: The weekend after I said I wanted a divorce last year, my husband tried to yell me into staying with him. He made my 2nd daughter sit in, told me to just listen, then proceeded to tell me all the things he thought were wrong with me. For an hour. (How this was supposed to convince me to stay, I don't know.)
Anyway, most everything he said was absolutely ridiculous. (Did you know I was suicidal? I didn't, but apparently that's why I wanted a divorce. Good thing he told me, because I had no idea I wanted to end my life. When I asked him what my plan was so I could definitely not follow it, he looked at me like I was crazy. Yeah, ok, I AM crazy, but I'm not, nor was I at the time, suicidal.)
However, he did say this one line that I cannot get out of my head: "It makes me sick that you now weigh more than I do. Just physically sick."
Now, I KNOW his opinion doesn't matter. But I can't get those words to stop playing through my head. Every time I look in the mirror I see a body that makes people sick.
I have gained weight, this is true. I'm working at a sit-down job answering phones. I take meds that give me dry-mouth, so with all the talking, I'm thirsty all the time. Soda here is all of $.25 a can, so it's easy to drink Coke all the time. So yes, plump, plump, ugly fat arms, tummy, and face fat I've never had before.
Which means kids saying, "Hey mom, come work out." "Hey L, I'm worried about my mom's health." Friends saying, "Hey, come work out at my house." And I stick my heels in the ground and say "LEAVE ME ALONE! If you loved me, you'd love me anyway. My looks wouldn't matter."
Now I'm growing out of my clothes. THAT is reason to start working out, which is why I am doing it. NOT because everyone else can't stand the way I look. Well. Except L. He adores my body just the way it is. And his opinion is the one that matters, thank you very much. It's really hard to believe him, but I try to. Because he means it.
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I have a daughter who wants to clear the air. I haven't responded because I'm terrified that I'll be in a spot where it's "Just listen and don't speak" again. And I'll have to listen to everything I've done wrong again. It seems any time I have contacted her recently, I'm doing something wrong. So I'm being the baby and not responding. It's just easier not to. Yes, I'm aware that I'm choosing to be a coward. Currently it hurts to much to try to adult about this.
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I have another daughter who only loves me when she needs me. Mom, can I borrow (have) your art supplies. Mom can I use your make-up. Mom, can I use this or that? Mom, can you do this? Can you show me how to--? And then after that she hates me again. Won't talk to me. Ignores me if I'm right in front of her or is incredibly rude and disrespectful.
She's angry at me for getting a divorce and leaving her dad. She's angry at me for being with L. She believes the poison being told to her by people I once thought were friends --- oh, they most definitely aren't. Wow, did I learn that in a truly sucky way.
But she still needs me once in a while. And I give to her because I love her. I try to be there for her when I can. Even if it's only once in a blue moon and only because I'm her last option. She's still my baby, whether she wants to be or not.
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Saturday I went to this vacation club presentation at 9:45 a.m. They called me and bribed me with a $100 restaurant gift card to get up and go early instead of at 1:45pm. I thought, COOL! I can go to dinner on that one day that's tomorrow and maybe have a fun night out with L.
They lied!! It's NOT a gift anything. It's a discount card. A buy-one, get-one card. Anyone want it? I'll mail it to you. Work gives me the same thing every year. If I could afford to go buy one/get one, I would already be doing that. But I currently have $1.37 in my bank account. Child support and the changes work made to the cost of insurance are killing me right now. I bought gas and groceries with what I had leftover after rent. So I can get to work, and I can eat. Yay for basics!
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And then there's art. In the corner of my living room is this huge pile of ideas and sketchbooks. It's sitting there with the beginnings of projects that will never come to fruition. WHY I started an Etsy page, I have no idea. What was I thinking?? Why I even call myself an artist, I don't know. I've drawn some really cool things, but that was when I was in college and had to do it for assignments. Now? Now I don't know why I even bother thinking about ideas. Why did I buy this Wacom Tablet with super pressure sensitivity and tilt functions? WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING???
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Everything just sucks.
I really need it to be two days from now so I can start to be human and non-emotional again. Everything makes me want to cry right now. And that's just stupid. Feeling all sorry for myself isn't healthy for anyone.
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