Monday, August 27, 2012


(I don't know who designed this, or I'd give props. It links to the tumblr site)

I realize that I have many blessings. I have a working computer. I have internet access. I have food. My kids are healthy. For the most part I am healthy. Even my husband, a kidney transplant recipient, is healthy. We have a roof over our heads, and that's definitely a good thing.

So. While in the midst of all these good things, I feel so very overwhelmed by everything that's going wrong right now. The transmission on my washing machine has gone out, and I can't afford to replace it. I can't even afford to put a little aside every paycheck because there isn't anything extra at all. Now that my husband's company has health insurance, and our family is now enrolled in it --even though his transplant counts as a pre-existing condition, so his meds and his blood tests and his check-ups are STILL not covered for another year,so the person in the family who needs the insurance the most gets no use from it. So it's Useless Health Insurance. Useless. yes, I mean it. Useless. It costs more to go to a doctor than it does for my body to fight whatever it catches or for me to use the stash of essential oils I have been blessed with. Unless my kids break out in some weird something I don't know how to handle, I refuse to pay $30 a doctor visit to be told they have a virus and to let their body handle it. Besides, because of the stupid insurance premiums, I don't have $30 a month to pay for the doctor's visit.

The premiums for this useless crap have eaten up anything we have left over a month. So we can't go out and buy a new washer. Or a used one. We can't go buy our own refrigerator while the homeowner and the fix-it guy try to figure out why our fridge doesn't want to work anymore.

So yes, I'm having a whiny moment. I have those a lot recently. My wireless keyboard no longer wants to talk to my laptop, which means every ten seconds I have to move the cursor back to the correct paragraph and correct the changes it thought I wanted to make. (so if there are typo's I missed, it's because I'm old and don't get along with the glidepad on my laptop.) The kids have broken the blinds in their room. Again. Personally I don't think they deserve blinds, I think they should be stuck with curtains until old enough to not play with the cords. And my van makes funny noises when I turn the wheel. That just can't be good.

My husband says nothing ever goes right anymore. And that's not true. There are a lot of things we have to be grateful for. We are not on the streets. My kids may be crazy, but they are smart crazy and not special needs. And while Rob may have to go get a second job to help make ends meet -- assuming he can find a job in this market -- at least our family is somewhat stable. Things could be much worse, and I am grateful for the blessings we do have. But wow. Sometimes life just sucks. And sometimes the bad things and the challenges feel overwhelming. Not that I mind having to pull food from a cooler or the mini-fridge in the basement. The health insurance and the washer dying, though... those are pretty big issues to me. Clean clothes, while not put away often, are a must. Especially with school starting right around the corner. And not having a washer in the house means that now I have to take all of the laundry to a laundromat. Which means now I have to do everyone's laundry instead of just mine and the three littlest kids. Oh, and come up with the quarters to do the laundry.

I know, I know, I know. If we hadn't taken the family to Disneyland for our 20th anniversary, we'd have the cushion needed to cover this. I know. But I'm not sad we went. But I do miss the cushion that the savings provided. Make your bed, lie in it, right?

I really don't like this situation, and I really want an alternative. Here's a few options that I'll gladly take:

A: my book gets picked up and I get a small upfront contractual fee that covers the basics. Profits after that will be great, but just enough to get new appliances would be awesome. I don't need the world up front, I just need something.
B: I get some art students
C: I get some more regular foot-zone clients.
D: I figure out a way to do graphic design/portrait art and be profitable at it.
E: Rob wins Publisher's Clearing House.  ha ha ha.

Ok, done grousing. I feel much better now that I've typed it all out. There are still beautiful stars in the sky, the grass is still green, and my kids still make me giggle. The world is not coming to an end, even though it is filled with one obstacle after another. But I'm making do with what I have, and darnit, there IS joy to be found in the journey.

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