Monday, August 6, 2012
The way we see ourselves affects how we see the world. When in the depths of depression, it is very hard to find or see anything joyful or bright, while contrastingly, those who are filled with the deepest happiness feel no need to focus on shadows or gloom.
There are the "I hurt and I'm miserable, so you should be miserable, too," moments in life that contrast so sharply with feelings of utter glory and joy. The amazing thing is that these extremely powerful emotions that exist inside our mortal frames feel like they should shatter worlds and form super-nova. I have noticed (at least in my experience) that once we feel something for a while, we tend to get used to feeling that way, and then look for ways to continue to feel that way, even when we claim to want a different feeling.
After battling post-partum --once the battle was won-- it felt so strange to feel good when I woke up. (And yes, it was a battle. Every day. Battling that constant storm cloud that would not go away. Not letting it win the fight, because letting it win meant my whole family would lose. My kids thought I was a zombie for those couple of years, but they have no idea what went on internally to make myself get up and out of bed.)
Now I recognize when I'm starting to fall back into "poor, picked-on, miserable me" mode and enabling myself to find reasons to feel sick or picked on or whatever brings back the black cloud of doom. However, I am emotionally and physically in a place where I can say that I am choosing to feel how I feel, no matter how out of control I feel my emotions are. There was a time when I had no control over how I felt, and that was by far the scariest part of the war. Because I wanted to feel good, I just couldn't.
Which is why, when I saw these quotes, they hit home. I am guilty of kicking myself. I'm meaner to myself than anyone in life has ever been. I know I have a warrior inside somewhere, and I think she's glorious and powerful and amazing. She must be there because I'm still here. Which means she wins.
I do make mistakes. And that is ok. I have permission to make mistakes so I can grow. So do you, so do my kids, so does everyone. And that's ok, too. For me, I'm going to try to remember that life can be a lot happier when I accept myself, faults and all, and move forward doing the best I can every day.
Sometimes that best is going to be getting out of bed and breathing in and out. Sometimes that best is going to be doing all kinds of fun and creative projects with the kids. And sometimes it might even involve cleaning. But in no way will my best compare with anyone else's best, because they don't live in my skin.