On days like today I shouldn't look at my Facebook newsfeed.
Yes, my meds are working. Yes, I still have down days; it's the nature of my illness. Some days my filters work better than others. Today my filters aren't so great, and everything seems to hit like a baseball bat.
You know those uplifting posts that people share about how they have enough faith and know that God can and will cure everything? Those pretty pictures with the quotes about how you should choose what kind of day you're going to have and then have it? Those f-ing reminders to live better, keep trying, don't give up, and have faith because it's all going to be miraculously better if you just will it to be.
I think it's awesome that people find comfort in those words. That they feel uplifted and gifted and that they can conquer the world. It's great for them, it truly is.
Today, those posts just filled me with guilt and the sense that I was being judged. I feel defensive and perhaps a bit petulant and severely irritated.
I would like to state for the record that some of us have faith, we walk with God, we talk to Him constantly throughout the day, ***and He still says No.*** Faith doesn't mean that He *will* cure us, even though yes, He does have that power. Faith means you believe it's worth it, that you believe in the end things will work out. Even if that end is not in this lifetime. Okay?? STOP TELLING ME I DON'T HAVE ENOUGH FAITH.
**edit: Ok, they were not aiming directly at me, but today I take that personally.**
You know what? Even while trying to walk toward death, I felt God with me. That was not a crisis of faith. That was simply the right and only option that I saw, and I felt I needed to go Home. I've read blog posts and articles where people say those actions mean I didn't believe, or that I just gave up or that blaming it on my meds not working is just rationalizing. Like hell.
Even with my meds, I do not always get to choose how my day is going to go. No matter how cheerful I try to be, no matter how much funny I find in the day, how grateful I am for the miracles and safety that my family has, it doesn't change the fact that there's a dark cloud hovering that is more difficult to see through than on other days.
On days like today I just shouldn't look at Facebook. On days like today, I can't just let those things go and think, "Yep, that applies to the poster, yay for them!" No, on days like today it just pierces right through my barriers and hurts my heart.
I wish people would remember that not everyone is told yes. That not everyone gets a miraculous healing. I have been told in blessing after blessing after blessing to work with my doctors, to listen and pay attention to the prescriptions and follow the medical advice I've been given as well as advice and suggestions from those inspired to help me. I'm also willing to share that I'm told that I'll find peace and comfort in serving others **as I am able.**
This is the kicker, folks: there are no words to me that are a promise in any way, shape, or form that I'm going to get better. They are, instead, a promise that I'm not alone, that God is aware of me, that He's with me and will comfort me. But that no, He's not going to fix it.
This means He has an awful lot of belief in my strength of will. Grace has to make up for a lot of my imperfections, because I certainly can't do this on my own. This is HARD. And today it's extra hard because all those wonderful things happening to all those people just make me feel inadequate, unworthy, and horrible for not being able to do more, for not being able to get better, for still struggling some days just to stay awake.
I'm not saying people shouldn't post things that are uplifting. Of course they should. It's their feed, it's their life, and it's what helps and motivates them. I have a scroll button. I have the power to shut off my browser. I have a room full of paints and paper that I could go bury myself in, except today I don't have the energy.
I don't know what my point is, except that today, those posts pissed me off, and I wanted to shout and scream and rail against the posters that their faith is no better than mine. That not all of us have the power to choose how we feel every single day. I MISS that power on days like this. I am angry at blanket statements. I am angry both at myself for taking these things personally, and at the posters for being so lucky, so blind in their beliefs that they can't see the rest of us who don't get those same blessings.
It's irrational and childish, but I am pissed off at FB today and I really want to unfriend half the people on my list because I am not only jealous, but feeling intensely judged. Even though none of them meant anything toward me personally.
I need to go back to bed.